I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
