The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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