Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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