Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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