You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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