Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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