i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
