1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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