i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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