Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
