I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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