Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
