This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
