Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We're using joints as your birthday candles
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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