Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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