When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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