Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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