Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You ate ashes out of my bong
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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