we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
