I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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