I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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