I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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