Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
