Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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