God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
