super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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