Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
