Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he wants to bone in the snuggie
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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