I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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