I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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