you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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