im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
