New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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