I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
