can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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