just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
