I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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