Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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