Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just want to make out with him forever
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
