I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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