suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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