omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
