You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
