oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
