I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
