mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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