So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
