1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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