Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
