Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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