I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
