Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
