remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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