Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
