Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
