shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
