The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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