I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
