see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
