he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
