what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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