Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
