I'm really into asian looking animals
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
