hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
